Your first text to a girl is important because it sets the tone for the rest of your text interaction with her. No matter what our experience level, we can all stand to improve our approach when learning how to text a girl for the first time.
In this article, we’re going to cover everything you need to know about good first texts and how you should structure them. Get comfortable and read on — by the end of this lengthy article, you’ll have all the info you need to start improving your text conversion with women, right from the first text.
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How to Text a Girl for the First Time
To me, learning how to send a girl the first text isn’t about working within a set of strict rules. We all have our own personal style and arbitrary rules are a sure way to strip the personality out of our conversations.
Instead, we’re going to start with some pointers on sending that first text to a girl. You can incorporate these tips into your current texting. That way, she’s talking to a better version of you rather than a “pickup artist” robot.
Use these tips for texting a woman's phone or even when messaging online (check out our rankings of the best sites for meeting older women to find out more).
She’s a warm prospect
Firstly, you must recognize that if you have her number to begin with, she’s a warm prospect. While there’s a slim chance she may have given it to you out of politeness, in most cases a woman will only give you her number if she’s at least mildly interested.
It’s much easier to engage a woman who’s already interested in you than it is to try and convince a woman who isn’t sold on you after making your first impression.
Assume there’s some attraction in place to begin with, and you’ll have an easier time moving forward starting with your first text.
How to text a girl for the first time
Texting a woman for the first time often induces some anxiety. It’s normal to feel a bit nervous – especially if she’s an attractive woman. It means that you’re not settling for less than you deserve.
You deserve a cute girl with a bright personality that compliments your life – regardless of how long she’s a part of it.
If you’re nervous to send that first text, or endlessly contemplating what you should send or how you should send it, you should take pride in having some anxiety.
Avoid those obvious mistakes
This tip, in itself, sounds obvious. The thing is, we’re all guilty of getting wrapped up in our own thoughts and obsessing over the minor details from time to time. When we do that, it’s easy to miss these mistakes that we’ll look back on later and facepalm over.
If you ever find yourself stuck for what you should text a girl for the first time, slow down. Think it through from a third-party perspective — if it were your friend sending this text, what advice would you give them? Does it still seem like a good move from the outside or is it too boring? Too sleazy? Too lengthy?
Remember, there’s no strict time limit here. Rushing is a great way to land yourself in a situation where she won't text back.
The first message you send a woman should be very casual, direct, and to the point. Sending a long-winded message or pushing a conversation from the get-go is incredibly overwhelming in most cases, and would likely harm your chances with her.
You can say things like, “Hey Anna, it’s Mike. It was nice to meet you today.”
But avoid saying something like, “Hey Anna, it’s Mike, we met at Winehouse last night. It was great to meet you. I hope you got home OK. What are you up to today?” While the sentiment behind the second example is nice, it’s way too much for a first text.
You can break it up into 2-3 text messages once she gives you an initial response. It might seem trivial, but her replying to your messages is an emotional investment, even if it’s incredibly minor in the beginning.
The First Text Message to a Girl You Don't Know
This is the most common situation you’ll come across, particularly if you’re into online dating. You don’t know each other yet so you’re putting your best foot forward and starting an engaging conversation.
Here are some quick tips to make that happen smoothly each time.
Ask questions
A great way to get to know someone is to ask questions about them. It keeps the conversation engaging since we all find it easy to talk about ourselves.
By taking an interest in her and kicking things off with a simple, fun question, you’re setting the right tone for future texts. It’s simple, effective and you’re not asking too much of her right away.
Keep it interesting
Sometimes, this can feel like the most difficult part of texting in general. In terms of good first texts, you want to avoid a boring opener.
For example, the most common complaint I hear from women on dating apps is guys just saying “hi”. When the bar is that low, it doesn’t take much to improve from there, right?
Start with a question. Mention something interesting about her profile or the way you met. Introduce humor if that’s your style. Whatever you do, don’t just say “Hi Amy” and leave it at that.
Not only is this text so easy to ignore, but you’re also putting the burden on her to get creative with a reply. Depending on her personality, if she replies to that lazy text at all, it’ll probably be with a “hi”. Wrangling an interesting conversation from that exchange can be pretty challenging.
Conversation threading
This is a skill that’ll help your dating life overall, right from her first reply. Conversation threading is about recognizing topics within her reply that you can work with for your next response.
With some practice, it’ll become second nature and you’ll have no problem keeping a conversation going indefinitely. Take a look at the link and make an effort to start incorporating it, you’ll pick it up in no time and be a far better conversationalist for it.
Texting a Girl for the First Time and Creating Attraction
As the old saying goes, this is where the rubber meets the road. Let's take a look at some examples of how to start texting a girl with confidence. If you are struggling with your overall confidence with women there are a few great books out there worth looking at to help and other resources too.
Keep your conversation short and to the point
You have better things to do than text this girl 24/7, don't you? Even if you don't, she needs to think you do. After all, you're a popular guy and there are tons of women who demand your attention. She must view you as a scarce resource.
Scarcity occurs when the demand for a resource is high but there isn’t much to go around. For example, water is a scarce resource in a drought-stricken desert.
In the dating world, you’re the rare resource. You can let her have some of your time but certainly not all of it.
The more scarce you are, the more she'll want you. I'm certainly not telling you to blow her off when she calls. Keeping your texts brief and to the point will communicate that you have better things to do than sit around all night and chat.
Stop waiting for validation
A lot of guys are timid when they're texting women. Many are afraid to make that first move because they're waiting for more validation that the girl actually likes them. If this is you, ask yourself this one question - how many texts do you need to send and receive before you have the validation you need to make a move?
It's very likely she's waiting on you to make a move. Yet when you're too timid to take that first step, your texting relationship transitions from potential love interests to good ol' friends.
This will be your texting relationship soon enough: "Hey! It's my good ol' textin' buddy Matt back for another round of late-night texting!"
If you draw out a texting relationship for too long without revealing your intent you're practically asking to be cast into the dreaded friend zone. Stop waiting for validation and just make a move. Let her know "this is the reason I'm texting you."
You're not texting for the hell of it. She probably has a dozen guys in her back pocket she's texting for fun. You need to be that one guy she's texting because she's interested romantically.
Be assertive
Let's throw out all concepts of being the “nice guy”. Assertiveness is the name of the game here. That's especially the case when you're asking her out on a date. Remember this well - the whole point of texting a girl you like is to ask her out on a date.
Don't be like a large number of men who fumble when it comes time to make a move. Most men have no clue what they want or how to go about asking a woman out. The end result: something like this happens:
"Hey, um...if you're not busy anytime we should go out to a movie. I mean, when you're free and all."
How many of us have sent cringe-inducing texts like this one to our love interests - not sure of yourself, fumbling and over-accommodating.
Let's take a look at a more assertive version of that same text:
“Hey Kyla, let’s check out that new bar on 7th Thursday night. I heard it’s worth the walk.”
This is a happy middle ground between begging for her time and trying to be some “alpha dog” that barks orders at her. You’re making the plans in a forward, casual manner without all the self-deprecating “maybe, if you’re free or something” nonsense.
Make her feel comfortable
Making a woman feel comfortable is important to keep her engaged in the conversation. I'm sure we've all dealt with that situation where you're texting a woman and she suddenly stops responding out of the blue.
You sit there and wonder what the hell happened. Was it something you said? Maybe it's something you did?
In most cases, women only engage with a man if they feel comfortable. If you make her feel uncomfortable in any way she’ll mentally check out and simply ignore your texts. It happens all the time.
Any number of things can make her feel that way. Perhaps you made a sexual reference that she didn't like. Perhaps she wasn’t feeling a connection with you.
Whatever the case, a successful first text to a girl requires that you make her feel comfortable right from the beginning.
Make your first text an easy introduction
Now that you know the main mistakes to avoid when texting a girl for the first time, you can focus on sending that crucial first text.
Moreover, it’s imperative that you don’t overthink it. Any attempt to embellish your first message might be seen as an overeager attempt, which would possibly turn her off. Less is more – keep it simple, like these for instance:
“Hey Emily, it’s Jon. It was nice to meet you yesterday.”
“Good to meet you tonight – James.”
“Hey, Jess. Guess who ;)”
As you can see, the context behind how you got her number will change the tone of your first message.
The last example implies that you just got her number – this is a good message to send a few minutes after getting a woman’s number through online dating. She may even play along if there was a good-humored vibe in your initial conversation.
With the other messages, you’re essentially fishing for that first reply, because you can begin a conversation once she’s a little bit more invested.
If you attempt to kick start a conversation with her instantly with your first message, you’d be making the common mistake that we mentioned before.
Create some magnetic attraction
Creating attraction from your first text to a girl is a process. When you start the conversation on a high note, you’re putting yourself in a great position to escalate from there.
Keep the interaction playful. Tease her whenever you can. Get her talking about herself.
Pay attention when she asks you questions because it’s a strong indicator of interest. It means she's not just leading you on. Soon enough, you’ll be in a good position to ask her out, then it's all about texting in anticipation for your first date.
Learning how to text a girl for the first time isn’t as complicated as you may have been led to believe. If she’s a warm prospect, as she should be since she gave you her number, there’s little that you could do wrong as long as you avoid making any avoidable mistakes.
What Are Some Conversation Starters for Texting a Woman?
Done right, text flirting can be a safe and fun way to get to know someone without pressure. But starting a good conversation by text represents double the problem. First, you need to get her number. Second, you need to deliver the goods.
These are tips that will work for you from a standard text conversation to getting things going on your favorite hookup app (if you don't have a favorite yet check out the proven hookup apps we have been using).
Luckily, there are ways to get around these problems. Knowing how to get her number is part of learning what to say to start a conversation over text. So let’s take a look at how you’re going to do it, so you can land a date with a woman you’ve just met or even one you know quite well.
The first text you send
Once you’ve got her number you might be feeling pretty pleased with yourself. But this feeling could wear off once you realize the real work has only just begun. Now you have to decide what to say to start a conversation over text. You also have to figure out the best time to text her.
Luckily, the second question is much easier to answer. You text her straight away. Hopefully, she’ll text you back with a mirroring text. If she does, or even if she doesn’t, you’re ready for text number two.
A good conversation starter for texting: Ask an open question
As we covered earlier, asking questions is such a simple way to keep an engaging conversation going. Open questions are questions that need a descriptive answer. Basically, anything which can’t be answered with a one-word response, like “Yes” or “No.”
If you know her already because she goes to your college or is in your friend circle you’ll already have loads you can text about.
“Did you get the homework assignment details – I think I missed them.”
“What do we need to prepare for Thursday’s meeting?”
“Did you hear what happened to Tom?”
The key here is to ask a question you know she knows the answer to. You want to get her comfortable with texting you and receiving texts from you. You’re also starting a natural text flow, which can lead to other subjects and interests.
Show you like her in a discreet way
Three or four volleys into the chat (because you want to keep it going – and she’ll lose interest if you don’t reply straight away), you’ll want to show her you like her. When people are interested in each other, they tend to remember details about the other person. They also pay more attention to things the person has said.
You can show her you're interested by asking a question about something she said or some details about her.
“My brother is going to Miami next week. Didn’t you say someone from your family lives there?”
“There’s a new Disney store opening up. I think I remember you saying you were a big Disney fan.”
“Do you have any good restaurant recommendations in (her neighborhood)?”
If you’re feeling brave and sense there’s already some flirting going on, you can be more direct and show her she’s on your mind.
“A woman walked past me today wearing your perfume. I had to stop and look. I thought it might be you.”
These are the small signals that let her see you like her without needing her to react straight away to your advances. Most women need a few days of thinking about a guy before they decide if they really like him or not. Plant the seed in her mind, you might like her and she’ll start thinking about it.
Find a shared interest to bond over
Quite often, it’s not until we connect with people on social media that we realize how much we have in common. If your phone number swap has led to more online contact that’s great. You can now see what you two have in common.
One word of warning. You should only pay attention to recent posts. There’s nothing creepier or more off-putting than getting a notification when someone you hardly know has been scrolling through your old photos. Mentioning old interests will also make her feel a little cyber-stalked.
Just look at what she’s posting right now and use it to build a connection.
“I saw your cute dog in your feed. I’ve got an adopted retriever. Where do you walk him?”
“Was that photo of you taken in New York? I was just there. Did you visit the Modern Art Museum?”
“Is that your mom or your sister in that photo?”
This last one can work wonders. It could make her giggle and she might even show the message to her mom. Suddenly, she’s received a compliment and is batting for you!
Things not to say when flirting over text
Before we get to the asking for a date stage, we need to run down some things you shouldn’t be saying when texting a girl for the first time. We’ve covered some conversation starters for texting and how to get it flowing, but there will be times when you’re lost for words. Maybe she just sent you a text and you want to text back quickly but don’t know what to say. Perhaps you just got the number and can’t find any shared interests. That’s okay. Just ask her.
“You seem like a really kind person. Are you an animal lover? Do you have any pets?”
Most women won’t reply saying they’re not kind. So this can open up a conversation about what pet she’d like to have.
If you’re not sure what to say, step back and think about it first. In early texts, it’s never okay to just send a “Hi,” or an emoji. This kind of text makes you look lazy and unimaginative. However, adding an emoji to a text of two or more sentences can be a good way to strengthen the emotion. Also, never text her if you’re drunk. You’ll regret it the next day. The same goes for texting her out of the blue, late at night. Waking someone up with an emoji isn’t going to get you a date.
If you really want to know what she’s looking for, check out some women’s dating advice pages or a good dating book. You might learn a trick or two.
It’s time to ask her out
Now that you know some conversation starters for texting with a woman, you’ll be ready to ask her out. The great thing about text dating is you can scroll back to see what you’ve already said. This means you can tailor your date request to make it more natural.
“Have you ever been to that restaurant on Madison? Would you think me too forward if I invited you to dinner there, Thursday night?”
This ask has everything you need. It’s specific – she knows where and when. Importantly, it’s also friendly and it contains a question that can’t easily be answered with a “No.” What part is she saying no to? She'll have to think about it.
As a general rule, you should leave enough space between asking and the date for her to prepare or change plans if needed. For example, asking someone out for a coffee during the day can be an immediate thing.
“Would you like to join me for a coffee in the park. It’s such a beautiful day.”
For a dinner date, on the other hand, asking a day in advance is better.
“Are you free tomorrow night? I’ve seen this great new restaurant in the city and I’d love to take you there.”
I personally would never set a date further than five days out. By that time, you both might be seeing someone else.
In the end, some guys are just naturals at what to say to start a conversation over text, and some need the practice. When you first start texting women, don’t expect to be an expert flirter overnight. It’s an art form and you will get better with time. Just don’t be afraid to try.
Final reminder for that first text to a woman
Lastly, a great way to send a first text is to immediately pick up where your last conversation ended.
This isn’t something you’ll always be able to do, but definitely keep it in mind. You may have teased her once or twice on her drinking and her “catty” behavior. Adapt to your own unique situation – sometimes a creative first text works wonders. Otherwise, you can’t go wrong with something casual, as we mentioned before.
The Five Stages Of Texting A Girl (Recap)
Below, you’ll find the five stages of messaging a girl you’re trying to date and what to do in each stage.
Stage 1: How to text a girl for the first time
After you meet a woman, send a message to re-initiate contact instead of calling her. It doesn’t require as much commitment on her part to reply to a message.
Send your first message within 24 hours of meeting her. This ensures she remembers as much as possible about you and the good emotions she felt when you met.
A good way to reintroduce these good emotions is to use callback humor in your first message. Send anything that references a moment that made her laugh during your initial conversation.
If you’re stuck for ideas, then send something simple like “Nice to meet you [name]. Have a good night. – [Your name].”
Remember, you’re not trying to build attraction or invite her out with the first message. For now, you just want to establish communication and get a reply.
Stage 2: Increase the frequency and intensity of your texts
Your next goal is to build her investment in you by increasing the frequency and intensity of your messaging.
Keep the conversation moving forward by making statements about yourself and asking her questions to make for easy replies on her end.
Stay away from polarizing topics that can end a conversation or kill her attraction for you.
Ideally, the frequency and intensity of her messaging should be increasing alongside yours. This is a clear sign she’s becoming more interested in you. Take care not to bombard her with lengthy messages as this over-investment can make you look desperate and put her off completely.
Stage 3: Maintain or build attraction
Attraction is built emotionally, not logically. When texting a girl for the first time, it’s best done with light-hearted messages that assume a level of familiarity, contain wit or humor, or are flirty without making her uncomfortable.
It’s great to include callback humor, teases, funny memes or playful assumptions about what she’s like. Throughout this phase, you still want to be unpredictable and challenging enough to keep her interested.
Stage 4: Maintain or build comfort
Maintaining and building comfort is actually easier than building attraction since comfort-building is mostly achieved by acting as a positive, non-threatening environment in her life.
The best way to build comfort is to exchange social media details with her. This way, she gets to learn more about you and your life. She can (hopefully) see for herself that you’re a cool guy who has a lot of friends and doesn’t look like a dangerous creep.
On top of that, any light and fun messages that add to her day without making her feel pressured can create comfort.
Feel free to send photos or videos of cool things that are going on throughout your day. This really helps to create an impression of what it would be like to date you. As she gets to know you better, she should become more invested in you and less nervous about the idea of meeting up.
Stage 5: Maintain or build comfort
With experience and intuition, you’ll start to see patterns and know when the moment is right to invite her out. bIn the meantime, you can test her commitment level without too much risk by using a technique called “baiting.”
The bait is usually a non-specific or low-pressure text about the two of you meeting up. It’s like touching a woman’s arm in conversation. If she is interested, she’ll respond. If not, you haven’t lost any ground and can keep working from where you are.
Here are some examples of non-specific invitations:
“Let’s get together next week...”
”If we don’t hang out soon then I’m going to start cheating on you.”
“You guys should meet us out this weekend.”
“We are going to be at X bar, you and your friends should stop by.”
She doesn’t have to be too invested in you to agree that this is a good idea. If she does agree, you can proceed and make more specific plans. If she ignores the invite, you haven’t lost out on too much because the plans were either non-specific or something you were going to do anyway.
Success in Texting a Girl Isn't 100% Guaranteed
Remember, you don’t need to make a woman fall in love with you over the phone. The real attraction is built in person. Over the phone, you just have to do enough to convince her to meet you for a date. It shouldn’t take weeks of back and forth. Most guys wait too long to pull the trigger and invite a girl out.
If you invite her out and she doesn’t take the bait, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over for you two. Most likely, you’re just not as far ahead in the five stages of messaging as you thought you were.
Just go back to building attraction and comfort, then send another invite later on. As long as she’s replying, there’s still a decent chance she wants to come out and meet you. Timing counts for a lot. Attractive women tend to have a busy social calendar.
If she stops replying or makes it clear she doesn’t want to meet at all, there are plenty more fish in the sea.
Make sure you’re out meeting new women and getting new contacts all the time, as this will stop you from texting any particular girl too often and scaring her off.
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