Knowing what to text a girl after hooking up with her can feel so difficult. With a sea of “pickup artist” articles and videos floating around demanding various rules, where do you start?
This is exactly what I’m going to cover in today’s article. In theory, it’s scary because there are so many things that can go wrong. Sorry to disappoint you though -- in practice, it’s far less complicated. Once you have an understanding of the key principles, the rest is just practice.
I’ll be going over these principles to help you develop your own style. I’ll also give you a few basic examples to get you started. Between the two, you should feel so much more comfortable with the whole idea.
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Who should text first after a hookup
After a hookup who texts first?
If she texts first then it’s a very good sign. However, as a basic trait, it’s you who should nudge the other side.
Unless it was a total disaster and she ended up throwing up on you, then it’s you who should be the one texting first after a hookup.
Why?
Because some girls become flakey if you escalate with them but fail to close on the first date. So texting them early on helps you test whether they’re still interested or not.
Texting first after good sex also increases your chances of seeing her again, because it doesn’t imply the “I just used you for sex” frame, as long as you don’t sound needy or too emotional about it.
Why texting a girl after hooking up is important
One thing the pickup community seems to forget is women are humans too. Don’t treat them like robots or expect that every woman you date wants to marry you. Believe it or not, women love sex too.
Whether you’ve found her on one of our top-reviewed hookup sites and apps or you connected at a bar, hooking up isn’t as taboo as it once was.
It’s become increasingly okay for them to have casual sex, just the same as guys. That makes it much easier for both sides because you can just be open about it. She no longer has a need for the good old “I don’t usually do this” line and you can be upfront too.
If you get through this article and still feel unsure about what to text a girl after hooking up with her, that’s okay. The anxiety may be coming from some insecurities around dating in general -- I know that’s how I started out.
If that sounds like you, I can’t recommend HeartInsider’ video dating course enough. It’s exactly the type of thing I wish was available to me years ago.
Intimacy is okay
Hookups are all about doing what feels good and natural and there’s no reason this should be excluded. You just need to learn where the line is between intimacy and building a relationship. For example, you’ll want to avoid making plans too far into the future.
That’s right, you can be intimate with a hookup without it turning into anything long-term. Whether we like to admit it or not, both men and women enjoy genuine intimacy. It feels good and isn’t something we should shy away from.
Common advice is to avoid intimacy at all costs and treat the whole thing almost like a business transaction. To me, that seems like a total waste. There’s nothing wrong with getting to know her, kissing intimately, or chilling in bed together after the fact.
It’s okay to show you care about her. So long as you set boundaries early on (your Tinder profile or an early conversation), she isn’t going to get the wrong idea. Even if you’re not looking for a relationship, you didn’t just have sex with her because she’s easy on the eye, right? There’s going to be at least some level of attraction to who she is and it’s okay to show that.
The other reason I have so many objections to the pickup community is the lack of respect. Having been part of it briefly when I first started dating, this always put me off.
Their “field reports” (a written account of their night) replace names with a hotness score. Their advice often boils down to “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” and the whole thing is viewed as a game.
To me, this is totally devoid of any respect for these women and the reason I bring this point up. Just as I mentioned above, you can be intimate with a woman and show her respect without giving the wrong signals.
I’ve done so about 50 times in the last couple of years and only once has this been an issue. Set your boundaries, don’t talk about a future together and everything else is okay. Remember, she’s an intelligent person. She understands and is obviously okay with the arrangement too.
Learning what to text a girl after hooking up with her doesn’t need to leave anyone feeling bad.
What to text a girl after hooking up with her
You’re texting a woman after hooking up with her so obviously the topic of sex is okay. Talking about the fun you had together or what you want to do to her is fair game. For god’s sake though, don’t send her a dick pic.
It’s not hard to find what to text her the morning after. I’ll often make some kind of reference to our night. Either what led us to sex or the act itself. If the sex was particularly good, I’ll often be thinking about it the next day so all I have to do is let her know that.
Maybe the two of you were dancing to a song last night and it just came on the radio. If it makes you think about how hot she looked while she was dancing, let her know that.
It could be that you hooked up in your apartment and now there’s bedding and clothes strewn everywhere. It’s funny and you two clearly had a good time, so make a joke about it. That one text might be enough to turn her on.
If you’re still thinking about last night, she probably is too. No doubt you enjoy these reminders and you can bet she’ll love hearing about it for the same reason. Go for it! You’ve already hooked up, there’s no need to be scared around her.
A simple gif idea
With such easy access to gifs from your phone, taking a moment to find the right one can make for the perfect message. It's a great way to flirt with a girl over text.
The gif below is one example I’ve used a couple of times in the right situation. As long as the night went well and she seemed into it, a gif like this will lead to a fun conversation. It also keeps the discussion sexual so you aren’t giving off the wrong impression.
One way or another, her response to a gif like that is also going to tell you just how into it she is. Most of the time, I’d get a reply like “ugh, I wish. I’ve been stuck at work all day thinking about it ;)”.
Gifs are so underrated as communication tools.
Example texts to send after sex
Sometimes you just need to see some working examples to point you in the right direction. Most of my day-after messages are specific to whatever we got up to but here are some that are a bit more generic.
“So last night was fun. We should go check out [social thing] on Wednesday night.”
Almost too generic, this example is playing it safe. If you’re not exactly sure where the two of you stand after your hookup, her response can help you out.
She might reply with a “that sounds great!” and you know she’s into you. Even if the response isn’t so positive, when it comes to hookups, it’s better to know early so you can both move on.
“Every time [x] happens today I end up thinking about last night. Well played ;)”
The last time I used this was a first-date hookup. I’ll spare you the details but the music they were playing at the bar was similar to the playlist at work the next day. I kept hearing a lot of the same songs and it was pretty distracting.
Rather than keep that to myself, I figured I should share the distraction with her as well. It's a great way to make her horny over text. Her reply was positive and we both met up again the following night.
“Down for more shots of Jager or should we do something more tame on Thursday?”
If the hookup was at the end of a pretty wild night, this is another follow-up message that makes for easy conversation.
There’s an element of confidence to it since you’re assuming she’s down for another date. You’re also referencing the fun you had together and sympathizing over the hangover.
It’s a simple message and can work in so many situations. If she’s interested, it’s usually met with something like “omg please no more shots! Let’s definitely go with something low key”.
Or if you want to keep that spark alive until the next time you meet, you can also text her some sexy questions to get to know her better.
When you should text a girl after sleeping with her
I get this question a lot, “when to text a girl after sleeping with her?” And the answer is:
It all comes down to …CALIBRATION.
The answer to, “how long to text after hooking up” is malleable. I know dating coaches who text the girl the second day after sleeping with her, and I know other coaches who text her 2-3 days after putting the P in the V.
It depends on the type of the girl you just slept with. Some girls are needy or emotional and would like to be assured that you liked them for who they are and not only their bodies. These are the ones who will constantly check their phone waiting for your message. For those, you can send a message the next day with some non-needy banter.
The other types of girls are those who are in it just for the sex, and those who may think they’re kinda too good/hot for you. Waiting a couple of days before texting these girls can make them see you in a better light.
Final tips on post hookup text etiquette
If you find yourself feeling really stuck for what to say, just go with whatever’s on your mind. It was a hookup so the topic of sex is absolutely okay, just don’t be creepy about it!
Most importantly, remember women are just as sexual as men. If you feel like you both enjoyed the night and you’re excited to see her again, it’s probably mutual. As long as you keep it all respectful, there’s no need for subtlety or cryptic messages. Otherwise, you'll probably need to worry about what to text her if she stops responding.
There’s nothing wrong with telling her the hookup was great and you want to do it again. Just read the room before you do. If she seems less enthusiastic you can use one of my more generic examples to see where she’s at.
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