If you're hooking up, it's fucking. If you're in a relationship, it's called making love. But the difference between making love vs fucking is more profound than you might realize. While it might seem obvious that making love is for someone you truly care about and fucking is for casual encounters, there are instances where the two can be reversed.
All too often, people seem to think that when you engage in a tender, intimate moment with someone you're just casually seeing (or hooking up with), this increases the odds of falling in love. Likewise, if you engage in rough, animalistic sex with someone you're in a relationship with, you're objectifying them. This isn't necessarily true, and knowing the distinction can enhance the pleasure you get from these intimate moments.
Making Love vs Fucking: What’s the Difference?
I’m sure you’ll understand the difference between making love and fucking once you’ve read these 10 key points.
1. Making love requires some emotional attachment
We’ll explore the physical differences between making love vs fucking shortly. But first, it’s important you understand that the desire to ‘make love’ to someone can’t exist without an emotional attachment to them.
Some people will argue there is always some sort of emotional attachment during sex. Indeed, we know that the ‘bonding hormone’ oxytocin is always released during sex (albeit a lot more in women than men).
The counter-argument might be that sex is a biological need first and foremost, so it’s completely natural for men and women to desire sex simply because they’re horny. This biological desire often provides the desire for someone to ‘fuck’ their spouse who they’ve been in love with for several years. We’ll explore that idea further later.
The point to bear in mind here is you can fuck your wife, but you can’t make love to a complete stranger.
2. Making love requires you to care about the other person’s pleasure
There are countless definitions of what ‘love’ means, but we can all agree that the word focuses on positive feelings towards another person. As such, we surely must care about the other person’s pleasure to ‘make love’ to them. It could be argued that the best love-making sessions are when both partners focus exclusively on pleasuring the other person.
On the other hand, if you’re both purely focused on getting off, you’re fucking. That’s incontestable.
There’s a spectrum here, of course. You can fuck someone while performing unselfish acts. You can make love while also focusing on your own pleasure. The difference between making love and fucking in this context is your main intention.
3. Making love tends to be a more drawn out process
If making love involves focusing on the pleasure of your partner, it will surely take more time than fucking.
After all, a woman typically needs longer to feel aroused and reach orgasm.
If a man is focusing on her pleasure, he’ll (hopefully) understand the importance of intimate foreplay, gentle touching, and stimulating all of a woman’s erogenous zones. If he only cares about his own pleasure, he’ll ignore ALL of that and rush to orgasm as quickly as possible.
Making love might involve taking your lover in your mouth, slowly kissing every part of their torso until you reach their lips, then kissing as if it’s your last ever kiss. Fucking might involve throwing them on the bed, prising open their legs, and plowing them into submission. You get the idea…
The exception to this rule is when a man tries to make love to his woman but accidentally climaxes too quickly. This is an embarrassing situation, which is unfortunately common in nervous inexperienced lovers. Here are some useful pointers to stop this from happening.
4. Making love involves more eye contact and kissing
Making love involves emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy. Eye contact is an important part of that.
If you’ve ever experienced deep eye contact with someone who loves or is lusting after you, you’ll be aware of just how intense this can be. It can bring a whole new layer of intimacy and vulnerability to love-making sessions, and one that you’ll surely enjoy if you have a strong emotional connection with your lover.
For those who like to hit it from the back or to have sex in other positions where eye contact isn’t possible, I’d advise investing in a bedroom mirror. If you prefer ‘fucking’ to ‘making love’, try pushing your lover up against the mirror while entering her from behind.
If you’re uncomfortable with deep eye-gazing during sex, that’s a surefire sign that you don’t have the emotional connection required to ‘make love’ to your partner. Or maybe you just lack confidence. Here are some useful tips to help you gain extra confidence around women.
The amount of kissing that takes place could also offer somewhat of a clue about whether you’re making love vs fucking. Kissing has been proven to release oxytocin and it also positively correlates with relationship longevity in women. On top of that, it’s also widely considered a gesture of affection, even though it feels good for both genders.
So, it’s fair to say that the more you’re kissing during sex, the more likely you’re ‘making love’, although this isn’t always possible with certain positions.
5. If you’re focused on satisfying your kinks, you’re probably fucking
We’ve established that if you’re focused on your own pleasure, you’re probably fucking.
So, if your sex is primarily focused around a particular kink…well, you get the point.
Your kinks are about you. You’re satisfying your urges.
What if you both have the same kinks? You’re most likely both still focused on your urges.
What if you’re only indulging in your partner’s foot fetish because you love them so much? Well, maybe it’s possible to make love while sucking on someone’s toes…
Can you do it while you’re bouncing off the walls, swinging from the chandeliers, or hoping you won’t get caught by the general public? That’s a different argument.
Once again the intention is important. Are you both focused on each other’s pleasure or not?
6. If you’re physically hurting each other, you’re probably fucking
A lot of submissive lovers enjoy a bit of pain. Perhaps you slap the shit out of your partner and she screams with pleasure.
You’re still fucking. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Love-making is slow and tender. Fucking is wild and rambunctious.
So, if you’re spanking, biting, scratching, or choking your partner, you're fucking.
I’m not saying you don’t love them. A man can love his dominatrix and vice-versa. But it’s a hard sell to suggest that these actions are part of ‘making love’. Hopefully, you’re engaging in aftercare once you’re done.
7. If you’re roleplaying in any way, you’re probably fucking
Many couples use sex to escape from reality. You can step into a fantasy world with your partner and engage in activities that you’d never dream of indulging in as your ‘real self’.
That’s great. It’s wonderful to be comfortable enough to be able to fulfill your wildest dreams with your partner.
However, there’s an argument suggesting that the purest love-making requires vulnerability to be your real self. During love-making, you’re connecting with your lover’s true soul and they’re doing the same with yours. That’s difficult when you’re acting as the headteacher and she’s the naughty schoolgirl. Remember you can’t ‘make love’ to complete strangers.
Most roleplay falls under the umbrella of satisfying kinks, so you’re most likely ‘fucking’ in these moments.
You can’t fake real love - and that’s surely a good thing.
8. You don’t need to be in love to make love
The key question to ask when comparing making love vs fucking is: what are your intentions?
Do you want to give or receive? Do you want to show this person how much you care about them or not?
Answer these questions honestly and you’ll be well on the way to understanding whether you’re fucking or making love.
You can make love to someone without being in love with them. Is it your intention to pleasure them and show them how much you care? If so, you’re probably making love.
If that’s not your intention, you’re probably fucking. Even if you told them you loved them over breakfast that morning.
If you’re not sure whether you’re in love with your partner, we have a guide to help you understand your feelings.
Fucking vs Making Love: Which Is Better?
Everyone has their own views about whether they prefer making love vs fucking.
You might think the ‘best sex of your life’ was after you proposed and covered the bed in rose petals. Or it might be when you fucked the pole dancer in the alley across from the strip club. It’s subjective.
Some will argue that the same chemicals are released in the brain either way, so there’s technically no such thing as casual sex. Others will say that fucking is evil and you should only be intimate with someone you’re truly in love with.
Your desire to fuck someone you don’t love will depend on your unique relationship with sex. Some people are excited about the idea of attending swingers' parties or finding a stranger to fuck from the web’s most effective hook-up websites. Others are horrified by these ideas.
Personally, I’d suggest that there’s a place for fucking and making love in this world. Both exist on a spectrum and that’s part of what makes sex so enjoyable.
Even in a loving relationship, it’s likely you’ll desire both flavors of sex.
Sometimes, you’ll feel the urge to show your partner how much you adore them in the bedroom. On other occasions, you’ll be horny AF and want to fuck the living daylights out of them. Studies suggest that women are most likely to feel this way when they’re ovulating, although there will be plenty of external factors at play too.
Ultimately, as long as everyone is consenting, you should feel free to fuck or make love as often as you see fit.
There are health benefits to both. They’ll both make you feel closer to your partner. You’ll feel great either way.
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