Modern men often wonder how to be dominant in a relationship, or whether they even should. After all, the days when gender roles were clearly defined are long gone. A few generations ago, men were the only ones earning money. So society accepted that men made all the rules.
Now, women are bringing home the bacon too. Women can work just as well as men, though the gender wage gap is still very much present. But even then, plenty of women are still attracted to men who know how to be dominant in the context of a relationship.
Keep in mind that we in no way condone any form of toxic masculinity. Dominance and submissiveness can be part of a healthy relationship dynamic. The key here is balance, and that's what we want to talk to you about.
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How to be Dominant and Maintain Sexual Polarity
Read on to learn how to be dominant in a relationship without pushing it too far and becoming a misogynist asshole.
What is sexual polarity?
Sexual polarity is a term that explains the differences between masculine and feminine energy.
Masculine energy involves characteristics such as focus, decisiveness, competition, aggression, dominance. The qualities of a good leader and an alpha male.
Feminine energy involves qualities like sensuality, sensitivity, vulnerability, spontaneity, love, openness. The qualities of a good carer.
Men and women have masculine and feminine energy within them. It's typical for men to be predominantly masculine and women to be inherently feminine. However, it is possible for the roles to be reversed.
Either way, sexual attraction only sparks when a masculine being meets a feminine partner. This is even the case with homosexual couples whose personalities complement each other.
If both parties carry the same energy, they are repelled. It's no different from magnetic poles.
Why women test for sexual polarity
During your attempts to seduce a woman, you may notice that she throws bitchy behavior at you.
Maybe she turns cold out of nowhere. Perhaps she pokes fun at your receding hairline.
As surprising as it sounds, these are usually clear signs she's into to you.
If she isn't, she'd make her excuses and leave. Yet, she stays and behaves like a rude brat.
What's the deal?
Often, it's because she feels and enjoys your masculine energy but wants to test its strength. Any guy could put on a masculine front for a while, especially when there's a beautiful woman giggling and flirting with them. She wants to see if it crumbles in the face of adversity--if it's all a front.
If you pass her tests by remaining strong and not giving too much of a fuck in spite of her attitude, her attraction for you skyrockets.
And she realizes this too...
In his book The Way of The Superior Man, David Deida explains:
"One of her deepest pleasures in intimacy is testing you, and then feeling you are not moved off course by her challenge.
The most erotic moment for a woman is feeling that you are Shiva, the divine masculine: unperturbable, totally loving, fully present, and all-pervading. She cannot move you, because you already are what you are, with or without her."
Testing your masculinity in a relationship
You'd think that the tests would stop once you enter a monogamous relationship, but they never stop.
A strong woman will continue to check that her partner is a true dominant alpha male.
Maybe she's paranoid about your masculinity fading. Or perhaps she wants to feel the presence of Shiva again. After all, this is her "most erotic moment." She feels an irresistible tickle in her genitals whenever she tests you and you stand strong and not care so much.
Few women can logically explain why they test men in this way. This behavior stems from emotions, not logic. Unless they've studied emotional psychology, most women can only go as far as explaining that they felt like turning against their man at this moment. However, many are smart enough to realize that it feels good when a man stands strong in the face of her bullshit. Some might even be brave enough to admit that it's a massive turn-off when he submits to her.
The “nice guy” vs. the “bad boy”
This goes a long way to explaining why many women turn away the “nice guy” in favor of the “bad boy.” The nice guy may accept all of her demands while bending over backwards to please her--and logically this ticks all her boxes. But it doesn't give her the emotional tickle of experiencing true masculinity.
The "bad boy" might do selfish things, boss her around and show far less respect, but at least this shows masculine qualities such as assertiveness and dominance. In most cases, she can't logically explain choosing the bad boy. She just feels the emotional tickle.
The power of sexual polarity can also explain why “make-up sex” tends to be so exciting. This usually stems from the feminine becoming extremely emotional in the midst of an argument and the masculine continuing to stand his ground. In this moment, the two sexual energies are colliding with full force. No wonder the argument is often settled with passionate love-making.
Feminine women tend to enjoy a man's dominant energy in the bedroom for the same reason. When you pin her down, spank her, choke her and relentlessly bang her brains out, she is feeling the full force of your masculine dominance. Provided it's in a consenting environment where she feels safe and cherishes, this can be a HUGE turn-on. Some women love it so much they even indulge in sadomasochism or punishment and rape fantasies.*
*To be perfectly clear, these are the sort of things that both parties should discuss and consent to beforehand.
What happens when sexual polarity dissolves?
Let's imagine what happens if the man doesn't stand strong in a domestic dispute. Perhaps he immediately submits and apologizes. Maybe he becomes just as emotional as his woman.
Sure, they'll settle the argument eventually. In fact, it may logically make sense for him to submit, even if he is in the right. Tranquility would be restored quicker and men are often taught that a “happy wife is a happy life.”
Yet, the question remains: would she be happy deep down in the long-term?
In that moment, the feminine wife didn't feel the dominant masculine energy of her husband. Instead, she felt the sexual polarity dissolve and her attraction dissolve with it. Perhaps, even though her husband did his best to appease her, she doesn't feel like having sex at all for the next couple of days.
If similar arguments arise and the husband submits again, the wife might begin to feel that she has to start taking charge in the relationship. The sexual polarity--and therefore the sexual attraction--diminishes further. The husband's attraction for this new aggressive dominant wife is likely to drop too. The relationship is becoming depolarized.
How to be dominant in your relationship
If your partner is a true feminine, she wants you to remain unshaken during her tests. She needs you to be dominant in these moments. She desires the feeling of immovable masculine presence.
This requires you to remain on your own path, maintain your confidence and keep your emotions, in spite of whatever she throws at you.
Of course, this is easier said than done.
As Deida explains:
"The most loving women are the women who will test you the most. She wants you to be your fullest, most magnificent self. She won’t settle for anything less. She knows in your deepest heart you are free, you are a God. Anything less than that she will torment. And, as you know, she’s quite good at it . . ."
Ways to Become a More Dominant Man
So, how can you learn to be more masculine and naturally dominant in the face of a fiery feminine woman?
Here are some great starting points:
Surround yourself with a balance of role models
Spend more time with a variety of different people, not just men who are dominant. While being in a judo class or a finance bro club can show you examples of dominant masculinity, this isn't the only exposure you should have. Being around women who are your equals (not necessarily women you're attracted to!) can also boost your masculinity by complementing you. Being around dominant men 24/7 may seem like the right path, but it can exhaust you when you feel like you need to be manly the whole tine.
Get your testosterone levels checked
If they are low, investigate other testosterone-boosting activities, such as adopting a clean high-protein diet, lifting weights or even engaging in testosterone replacement therapy.
Work on your self-esteem
A lot of men who let others walk all over them tend to have poor self-confidence. They believe they don't deserve any better. You can boost your self-esteem through different means. Work out, eat healthier, improve your fashion and grooming or ditch toxic friends. You can also try new activities that expand your comfort zone. You can also engage in spiritual practices like Tantra, yoga and meditation.
Don't feel ashamed about speaking to a therapist either. This can help you understand and address the reasons why you struggle to be dominant in certain situations.
How to Be Dominant Without Being an Asshole
Being dominant in a romantic relationship doesn't mean bullying. It doesn't mean waterboarding or being physically violent. It doesn't mean never compromising or refusing to back down even when you're wrong. This type of dominance can correctly be defined as “toxic masculinity” and should be discouraged whenever it is witnessed.
However, your woman does want you to be a strong leader who she can lean on. She needs you to stand your ground when she challenges your ability to do this.
By engaging in the activities listed above, your ability to lead a romantic partner and others around you will naturally develop.
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