She could be a girlfriend, someone you’ve been flirting with for a while or someone you want to be friends with benefits with - sex changes everything. From how you interact and future expectations, sleeping with a woman presents new challenges and expectations in addition to the benefits of a sexual relationship. Now you’re probably curious about how sleeping with a girl changes the relationship.
In this article, you will learn what might be going through her mind after you’ve hooked up and what to do if she is distant after intimacy.
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How Sleeping with a Girl Can Change the Relationship
Okay, you’ve done the deed. Now what?
Let's take a look at both the positive and negative effects of sleeping with someone to shed some light and anticipate some potential challenges.
Potential for pregnancy
The primary purpose of sex is procreation. In today’s world, sex is often regarded as a type of recreation activity that’s supplemental to most relationships, but understanding the seriousness of the act is important.
From this point forward, you can be on the hook for paternity responsibilities, including during the pregnancy and afterwards. And while many women proclaim “my body, my choice”, most women don’t have the luxury of voice in terms of how your life will be affected.
Unless you have a vasectomy or you are infertile, it’s important to talk to a woman you’re sleeping with about her plans about children and contraceptives she’s hopefully using as prescribed. Failure to do so, even for casual sexual encounters, can have you paying child support for the next 18 years, the uncertainty of whether you’re the father, and other negative outcomes.
STDs
Similar to pregnancy, one of the negative consequences that can occur is the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Whether you have something or she does, the possibility of transmitting something temporary, like a UTI, or something lifelong, like herpes and HPV, is certainly on the table.
In essence, your health and her health are intertwined - and women are more susceptible to diseases like HOV, which can cause fertility issues down the road.
Therefore, expect to be more accountable for your health and her health. She may want you to be regularly tested before going further especially if you are not in an exclusive relationship with one another.
Bear in mind that giving/getting an STD can be a major deal-breaker for women, as it shows that you concealed the truth from her - or in the case of HPV, didn’t care enough to get tested to learn if you were positive. Be careful.
It sets a precedent
Sex is a big step in any relationship. And much like in popping a cork in a bottle of wine, it’s tough to put back in once it’s out. This is one of the most telling ways sleeping with a girl changes the relationship--for better or for worse.
Now that you’ve had sex, things like holding hands or going on regular dates may pale in comparison to just getting back between the sheets. From this point forward, you should expect sex to be less of a thing to achieve, but more as a regularly-occurring event.
Here are a few ways that it can get complicated:
Sex as a bargaining chip and manipulation tool
Sex can be used as a bargaining chip after you’ve had it once and desire repeat encounters. Women intuitively understand the power that sex (and the possibility of sex) has on male behavior. So don’t be shocked to realize that women may give sex to reward your “good behavior” and withdraw it for “bad behavior”.
In general, if you begin to notice that she uses sex to control you, you can be sure that she views sex as a tool for manipulation. This isn’t a healthy way to comport a relationship, as you may find yourself frustrated for intimacy when she doesn’t find a reason to reward you.
She might expect sex each time
For better or worse, she may feel that sex is on the table for all future encounters once you’ve had sex. On the positive side, lots of sex. However, this can also be a negative - particularly if it was a drunken hookup with someone you’re not that into.
For some men with active sex lives, it can be difficult to perform multiple times a day or week. After all, sex is a form of exertion like calisthenics, and if you’re out of shape, sex can drain you of a lot of energy.
Despite sex being one of the most important things that men and women pursue, too much of a bad thing can also form the basis of sex addiction. Nymphomaniac women fall into this category and view sex for its oxytocin/seratonin/dopamine benefits - which is also characteristic of Cluster B personality disorders.
As a personal story, I once dated a woman who wanted sex multiple times a day when we saw each other (the record is 5x in one day). This includes anything from vigorous sex upon waking, during dinner, out in public, and even 3-hour-long fellatio session. While that’s all well and good, after our last visit, I ended up getting an embolism and soreness of the skin down there. There can be too much of a good thing...
There’s also the pressure of having to outdo yourself each time. Pulling out all of the stops is fine and dandy, but being at the top of your game can lead to a girl becoming disappointed if you say you’re tired. Women can perceive this as a lack of interest, may accuse you of cheating or any number of negative behaviors - all because you may not have the stamina or creativity needed to create a novel experience each time.
It brings you closer
Obviously, there are few things that bring people closer together than sleeping with a woman.
Oxytocin, the pair-bonding hormone that is released during physical contact with a woman during sexual and other activities, is a mechanism that forms intimacy in a relationship. You may find yourself in love with a woman after sex and she typically will feel the same. It’s automatic, and it’s for this reason that many women are hesitant to just have sex with just anybody.
In essence, sex enables you to use it as a tool to bolster intimacy. Using sex can help smooth out rough patches in a relationship or can reinforce your relationship. You can use sex to provide more comfort to her after she has a long day at work or give her pleasure to reward her after a day spent together.
Bear in mind that you should adjust your sexual behavior to match her ovulation cycles. Some women want intimate loving sex during their non-ovulation period, while they may desire rougher and more frequent sex when she’s ovulating. When done right, you can present yourself as satisfying her natural cravings to keep her close.
She may assume you are now in a committed relationship
Sex is a big milestone for a relationship, but it also comes with a ton of social expectations. One of those expectations may be an unspoken agreement that you’re now in a committed relationship with her. This is very often true if you are dating a girl who is relatively inexperienced with sex or actively trying to seek a partner.
Just as men can get carried away and start planning a future after sex, women are no different. If you’re looking for a committed relationship, congratulations!
If you’re not looking for a committed relationship right now, it’s important to set her straight as to your intentions before she becomes too involved. Not doing this can lead her on or cause fallout from not meeting her expectations. She may spread rumors that you’re a liar or manipulative - even if there was no overt agreement. Honesty is the best course of action.
She Is Distant After Intimacy: What to Do
On a related note, many men are often puzzled after sex, saying to themselves, “We had sex. Now she seems distant. Why?” It’s not uncommon for a woman to disappear physically and emotionally after sex. Knowing the reasons can help you understand why she’s distant, what actions you can take, and more.
Let’s take a look at some specific things to do when she becomes distant after intimacy, as well as some science to back these actions.
The emptiness
If you’ve had sex and felt empty afterwards, it’s not a stretch to say that women may feel that exact feeling. That empty feeling is generally regarded as a withdrawal of hormones, creating a prolonged feeling of sadness. So, a woman may feel this sadness and misinterpret it as a lack of connection - particularly if you haven’t provided comfort after sex.
Accept that she may be gone
This might hurt, but as you read more reasons explained below, you’ll come to understand that men have relatively little power when it comes to making a woman engage after sex. This is common for one-night stands or friends with benefits, where she might regard you as a casual partner instead of something serious.
In short, she’s gone. Negative feelings are normal and you may even go through a short grieving process, but understand that you need to be willing to walk away and regard her as a memory - even if you had intimate knowledge of her most private parts. It is unpleasant, but if you can gain some objectivity, you can work your way from regarding her as “the one that got away” to feeling grateful that you shared the experience together.
Don’t chase her
If she’s distant, you shouldn’t chase her. While many romance movies involve a man pursuing a woman and proclaiming odes to love after an intimate encounter, reality tends to be a bit more practical.
If she is being distant, it’s fine to reach out afterwards to touch base with her. That being said, one message is enough. Avoid the urge to say anything besides “I had a great time and I’d like to see you again.”
On another note, she may be trying out some dating advice, like testing to see if you are too clingy or how invested you are in her. While this gamesmanship is commonplace, don’t call her out on it. Instead, withdraw after contacting her and get back to normalcy. If she chooses to meet you again, great. If not, move on with your life.
You might be bad in bed
Men have the burden of performance when it comes to most things sex- and relationship-related. A good sexual experience is largely on your shoulders even if she starfishes out.
Men often believe they are above average in bed, only to miss clear signs that she’s not into it. Uninspired sex makes the other person feel unvalued, and also shows that you didn’t take her needs into consideration.
It can be a bit of a hit to the ego to realize that you aren’t a star in the sack, but also realize that there may also be issues of sexual incompatibility. Some of these incompatibilities may include:
- Too rough
- Too gentle
- Too kinky
- Not kinky enough
- Irreconcilable size differences
- Her level of comfort with intimacy
- Prior sexual trauma
- Lack of sexual skill
- And so forth
As a solution, study up on how to please women. There are plenty of erroneous zones to focus on, ways to guide the encounter so she doesn’t feel pressured, and physical maneuvers that are just more pleasurable. Generally speaking, every woman is different, but they all enjoy you taking the time to ask them what they like. Being able to say “Do you like it when I do this?” will ensure that she or other future sex partners will be down for repeat encounters.
She is embarrassed
If she is distant after intimacy, the experience might not have been as perfect as she had hoped. Sex can be messy, too. And for women, who are generally concerned with presenting a clean and desirable persona, sex can be literally and figuratively embarrassing. There’s plenty of reasons why she may be distant after sex due to embarrassment:
- You might have gone too fast and she may have relented to make you happy, only to relinquish some of her own standards.
- Even a seemingly innocent comment about her body may have her regard you as insensitive - which can be death for a future relationship.
- Something might have happened during sex that she might want to forget (e.g. someone vomited, you got caught, she was too loud, etc.)
- She feels “slutty” for sleeping with you even if you’re not in a relatinship or you’ve just met.
In each of these scenarios, there’s little you can do besides offer her reassurance. Beyond that, it’s up to her to come to terms with any perceived embarrassment.
She may have forgotten
Drunk sex is incredibly common, so don’t be surprised if that rollicking romp is something that slipped her mind. Even if she seemed into it at the time, she may have no memory of the event occurring and may be puzzled why a guy is texting her the morning after.
It’s an unfortunate and dangerous situation to be in as a man (and as a woman), as you may get accused of taking advantage of a woman in this state. So always take precautions and understand that whatever occurred may not be grounds for forming any type of functional relationship.
She might be busy
“We had sex, now she seems distant” is a thought many men experience when their expectations don’t align with the women they sleep with. Some men welcome the space. Other guys want a little reassurance that it’s not a one-time thing. But this is hard if she has other things to occupy her mind.
Women have complicated lives and a number of social responsibilities these days, so don’t be surprised if she’s legitimately busy. She may have had an emergency, is behind at work, and other reasons. Adding a new relationship to the mix after sex can simply break people down and overcomplicate their lives, so don’t be surprised if she needs time to handle her other priorities before choosing to get around to your needs.
The novelty is gone for her
Sometimes, women have sex with a man simply to scratch an itch or resolve a curiosity that they had. Whether you’re a different type of guy that she’s not normally used to, resolving the mystery might kill her desire - especially if you didn’t meet her expectations.
She’s looking for better options
This may come as a shocker, but she may have other sexual options that she wants to explore. And if she is a highly desirable woman - especially a younger woman - she may be looking to see what can get out in the larger dating pool.
As a man, you may relate to a period of your life where you were on a hot streak and either had a wealth of partners to choose from or could have easy access to sex when you wanted it. Women are similar, so don’t be surprised if what you thought was a mind-blowing night of passion was to her simply another Tuesday.
She might have lost her phone
Considering that most people are attached to their phones these days, her losing a primary way of contacting you is a possibility. That’s why it is always important to just send one message and nothing more. If she does recover her phone and sees an entire melodrama of messages when she reads them, you might turn her off entirely.
These are just some of the many ways sleeping with a girl changes the relationship. Sometimes sex brings you closer, but other times, it basically kills your connection. With that in mind, at least you now know what might happen if you decide to pursue a sexual relationship with someone.
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